24th July 2009
I`m going to jump off Lambeth Bridge!
Today I went to FEDEX to send a package to India. They don`t have my account number! Type in my name, I tell them. Are you typing Osborne, with an O? Yes, I know most people spell it with a U. But mine is O. As in John Osborne. No, we are not related. Nothing? No record of me? But I come every week! Please call your credit control.
But you must know me! Yesterday I received your invoice for £46 for a shipment to Delhi. Waddaya mean you have no record of it? How can Credit Control say this to a regular customer? Of course I can`t produce an invoice! I`m not in my office! How can you say I don`t exist? If you`re Credit Control, you have to know me, as you send me invoices! Speak to your superior. You have? Well, they`re crazy too.
Look, I`m not angry with you, but you`re driving me mad. How can you send invoices to someone you`ve never heard of ? It doesn`t make sense. Hello! Are you still there. You`re listening? Look, I`m hanging up. I can`t stand any more. Byyyyyeeeee!
Now driving very fast over Lambeth Bridge for my hair appointment. However Phillip, the manager, says I`m not in the book. But I made the appointment at 9 a.m! I twice repeated `cut and blowdry` to make myself clear. What? If you do me you`ll keep the next client waiting. And she`s in a wheelchair? I don`t believe it! Yesterday you were too busy to cut my hair and today I`m going to keep a wheelchair waiting. I`m not going to sleep after this!
4.10pm: Sainsburys: waddaya mean my debit card isn`t accepted? Are you sure? What? Not valid? How is it possible? I only received it this week when I cut up my old one because it said I could use the new card from the date thereon.
What? Not valid until 11/10. Oh my God, I`m so sorry. It`s my fault. Please tell the cashier I wasn`t trying to cheat her. No, I really wasn`t! Honestly, I do apologise for keeping you all waiting. Yes, really sorry! No, I have no cash at all. That`s my dinner you`re taking back - one Angus sirloin steak and a curly leaf lettuce. Look here`s a Visacard, please take the £5.92 off this. No, I don`t want my reward! I just want to get out of the supermarket.
As you can see, I haven`t jumped. Typing this as a sort of exorcism..